FORGETTING

I find this amazing.

No matter what I do

no matter how much I work myself

into a frenzy of hatred

a flurry of rage

a tsunami of apathy

no matter how I swear

I will never again feel for you

try to feel you

be with you

believe in you

time after time

I return.

And I'm tired of it

I am bone-tired exhausted

of my running back to you

tripping over my own oaths

on the way to your door.

I am sick of the self I have created

dedicated to you

predicated on the belief

that somehow

in some way

you might actually care for me

despite all the evidence.

I cannot believe

that I keep making this trip back to you

despite the truths I've seen

the places I've been

- where you MADE me go -

I do not understand

why I continue to return

to this place.

I should know better

and I have

but somehow

time and again

looking at you

- thinking of you -

makes me forget.

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