THINKING

I will not think about her - I will not.

I am walking down the street

passing shops, stores

I wouldn't normally enter.

Today, I walk into the bakery

and buy a donut.

It is delicious.

Fucking scrumptious.

Diane would love this donut.

I will not think about her. I will not.

Out the window, children play

racing on jump-ropes.

They laugh. They pray.

They have a dozen donuts of their own.

So luscious.

So plump.

I think of round holy things

and she comes to mind,

No one is holier than her.

I will not think about her. I will not.

She would not be thinking of me.

She would be thinking of dancing

or drugs

or Dave, or Doogie Howser

or something dumb.

She would not consider me for a second.

She can compartmentalize.

She is better than me.

She is wonderful...

I will not think about her. I will not.

There is a book I read

when I was very young

before I was literate

(it was a read-aloud).

It was about all the things that that the writer liked

loved, all the things that gave him meaning

and could get him through a rough night.

I could have such a list.

"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes..."

And donuts. Donuts?

Diane...

I will not think about her. I will not.

There is sky. There are trees.

There are buses and buildings

and planes and punks and...

and none of this has anything to do with her.

Nothing in my view - in my mind

has anything to do with... with...

I can keep my mind clear of her.

I can break this addictive cycle.

I can wipe my soul of this blemish

this pain. I can be free if I only avoid thinking about

her nose her smile my wince when she calls my name

that morning those evenings that night

and everything that's happened since.

The world is hers. There is nothing she has not tainted.

There is nothing

I will not think about her.

I WILL NOT.

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