FOR THE PURPOSES OF COMPLETION


Fucking Paul Simon...
Fucking Paul Simon, the genius.
In "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,"
Paul Simon, the wonderfully literate artist,
Offers only four options for departure
(Only four. Not being coy is NOT a way to leave your lover).
Here, for the purposes of completion
are forty-six more ways to leave your lover:


Don't give a toss, Ross.
Steal all her stuff, Muff.
No need to grieve, Steve,
just get up and go, Joe.
Threaten to sue, Drew
and poison her stew, too�
Give her a smack, Zach
then you can blow.


Don't pay the bills, Will.
Leave her crushed, Russ.
Put razors in her toys, boy,
don't be sorry.
Tell her the relationship you don't like, Ike
or leave her on the turnpike�
Yeah, throw her to the curb, Herb,
and Larry? Don't tarry.


Cancel her checks, Rex
Claim "No more money, honey!"
State you can't date a goy, Roy.
Say she weighs a ton.
Run off on a carrier, Gary.
Allege you love Larry, Harry.
Hire someone to kill �er, Bill
(that one ain�t cheap, son).


And let�s not forget the ladies
(as if we ever could):


Knock him with a stone, Joan.
Drop him in a palace, Alice.
Tell a sad story, Laurie.
Or kick him in the nuts.
Cut off the sex, Lexi.
Explain logically, Bree.
Catch him drunk in an alley, Sally
then you�re free of that putz.


Just quit sparrin', Warren.
Throw her off a cliff, Cliff.
Slip something in her drink, Binky.
Tell her that her feet stink.
Tell her any lie, Guy.
You know I don�t like to pry
but if she don�t like fur, Murr
then give her a mink.


Act insanely postal, Al.
Mail her clothes to Iraq, Jack.
Send her to Iran, Stan
or you could move to Belle Reeve.
Act like a snob, Bob
and all her relatives you rob.
Pay the check and leave, Steve
there�s no call to grieve�


Treat her real curt, Bert
or get rough and spank, Hank.
Say you like boys, Mister Moy.
Admit you�re a John.
Tell her she got conned, Don.
Drive away for a time that�s long.
Get caught with Kim, Tim
and that�s the end of that song...

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