MODERN TECHNOLOGY BEING WHAT IT IS� IX

Finally, FINALLY

I've collected coupons and I've saved cents

I've niggarded nickels away long enough to reach the four-digit point

just enough to get my hands on the Alternate Reality Transponder

a portal into the multiverse

an opportunity to see all that could have been.

You can leave Bailey Estates and enter Pottersville.

You can visit the universe where Reagan's still president

or the one where he's the Minister of Peace under Lindbergh's baby.

As soon as I get down to the store

I'll get my hands on this most exciting of devices.

Then I'll pass it over to you

so you can explore the stars and the seas

that you see every day � only differently.

You will seize the day, and remold it however you see fit.

Oh, how I long for you to have this most prized toy.

How glorious it will be for you to finally know

and stop speaking of how you COULD've been the first in your class

or WOULD've bought into AOL in eighty eight

or SHOULD've married that other guy who amounted to so much.

Soon, SOON, you'll be able to experience those existences

and understand everything that MIGHT've been

and you will finally comprehend that no matter where you go

no matter what you've done

you'll STILL be a loser.

And if that doesn't shut you up

I'll just borrow the Transponder

and find a place where it will.