MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

She calls in the middle of the night, asking if she's gotten fat.

"I don't know, honey. I can't see you. You don't sound fat�"

"Now you're mocking me," she says, "I won't have it. I won't!"

She hangs up, but I know sleep isn't coming, as, a few minutes later:

"Now you think I'm crazy."

"No," I reply, "Not now�"

"Oh, screw you," she says, and I'm on the line with dead air for five blessed minutes.

Until:

"I've become high maintenance," she asks, "Haven't I?"

"Oh, sweetheart," I answer, "I don't mind. Even if you are, I do love to maintain you�"

That shut her up for a while.

I got some sleep.