ALIVE!

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news:

You know that black thing on my chest

that disgusting horrifying growth that I'd been talking about?

That thing that made me rethink my life

reassess my values

return all the things I'd earned?

Well, it's not cancer.

It's just the remains of an embarrassing cooking mishap from last month.

I really should have known.

That's the good news.

The bad news is,

all the stuff I gave you:

the money

the paintings

the kind words

I'm gonna need them back now.

Without the illness

without the injury

there is no need for my to change my rotten ways.

So give me back my shit immediately

before I turn the dogs on you.